Getting bullied at primary school for being short there was always the comfort of our teachers’ and parent’s words of comfort that we will grow taller with age. When the age of 20 is reached the skeleton in the body has pretty much hit maximum size leaving hopeless short people with zero hope. Women have the advantage of being happily accepted regardless of height and can always get a few inches closer to space by wearing a pair of high heel shoes. Men are on the other hand left with very few ways of defying ones physical height.

The human mind is highly intelligent but suffers from flaws opening the brain up to exploitation through illusions. In plain English it means that there are ways of looking taller without physically being taller! One of the easiest ways of doing so is by wearing a…….*drumroll* hat or wearing your hear in a way that it gives you a few extra inches. Obviously it doesn’t mean that every short man should walk around with the same silhouette as Marge Simpson. The whole objective is to make the face look more slender like the mast on the top of the Empire State building making it look mightier.

Option number two is dressing yourself in clothes that give you a sleeker appearance notably outfits that expose your belt line leaving the entire length of your legs visible to the world. Take inspiration for super models who look very tall whenever they are dressed in trousers. During the summer heat a common choice is wearing shorts but what more men should do is put on a pair of low shoes and leave the socks at home. Suddenly there’s more leg real-estate visible and everyone around you will be rolling their eyes up and down your legs!

Contrary to a low key profile most top athletes would prefer Cristiano Ronaldo didn’t make an effort looking invisible. Greased up in his compulsory hair wax he has taken fashion for the disabled to a new level. Dressing himself up as eye candy for homosexuals dreaming of a man dressed as a high school girl Cristiano accentuated his skin tone with a pink DSquared T-shirt. To enlighten Sunset Boulevard pedestrians even more the metallic miniature Dolce & Gabbana shorts made him look like a near over burnt croissant lying on tinfoil. Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls should be jealous now when he’s officially the most tanned guy and showbiz ever. He does deserve style points for the highly contrasting somewhat girly sneakers and the stealthy crotches. No matter how obscene he’s dressed his image is untouchable after having topped the Premier League 2007/2008 season’s score board with a menacing total of 42 goals.

As middle class citizens can only afford a scented candle from Versace Home, career-less 27 years old women desperate to marry a stockbroker dream of an ostentatious Versace bathroom. Taking a dump surrounded by Medusa heads is possible in Australia where an Armani hotel is located and there’s a second one currently taking form in what is to become the world tallest building, Burj Dubai, in which the Armani hotel will occupy numerous floor levels.

Those who don’t believe the phrase “there’s no such thing as too much money” can finally put their arms down and surrender because now there’s a way to spend even more money on an already expensive Learjet, Gulfstream or Bombardier. Cruising at Mach 0.85 on the voyage to the height of Mr.Almighty there’s only one way of getting crowned as the God of fashion, and that’s by overlooking the troposphere in a Gulfstream interior commissioned by Gianni Versace.

Much of what has been created looks like a diet version of the designers’ respective AW collection. The use of dark colour and sober shades of grey, green and brown triggers a sense of fatigue as opposed to enlightenment and joy that usually associated with Spring/Summer collections.

Star of SS09

Dries Van Noten

The highly anticipated DH and Lanvin’s shows failed to evoke the sensation of butterflies in people’s stomachs with earth shaking creations. That led to Belgian giant Dries Van Noten rose to the occasion standing taller than the Eiffel Tower in France when he unveiled an astoundingly charming SS09 collection.

Losers

Louis Vuitton

Enjoying the success of his own label and what he has done for the LV women’s collection Marc Jacobs is on a steam train like motion at LV. Sadly he’s failed to stun in the world of men’s wear continuously creating tame collection suffering from a deficit in attitude and style. Having gone through and image makeover and overcoming a drug addiction Marc Jacobs need to fight his tendency of creating collection which looks like it could have been designed by Calvin Klein.

Dior Homme

Shamelessly trying to replicate old DH collection from 2006 Kris Van Assche is steering DH into an ice berg. Not only was DH SS09 pitifully embarrassing but is contains traces of design elements from Van Assche’s own line.

Gucci

It’s funny that the latest SS and AW Gucci’s collection have the same theme as their predecessors. AW07 and AW09 were amazing which a style and baroque character that should be of the liking of Faberge Egg loving Russian Billionaire who engaging in purchase of crass luxury products. At the other tip of the scale we have SS08 and SS09 which looks like what could have been the result if Gucci designed a limited collection for TopMan.

Winners

Burberry Prorsum

Burberry is associated by the beige tartan pattern usually seen on the inside of their jacket and coated around their cheaper line of bags. The second signature of the British brand is trench coats. Bailey has proven that he can comfortably design a high end collection that has a strong identity without using those two elements.

Etro

Doing something different from everyone else Etro stunned with an Aladdin styled collection with influences from Morocco and Persia. Gorgeous graphics highlighted by bright colour in shiny materials resulted in a sensual and romantic batch of outfit, though those allergic to glossy clothes might think of the outfits below as appalling.

Kenvin Ferderline’s choice: Kris Van Assche SS09

Quick to solve the problem for blue collar people lacking a formal wardrobe is to head down to the local `Roger Burgess formal wear rental´-shop and nab an outfit that has served the entire neighborhood for 8 years. Although a math’s geek might not feel bothered about wearing an ill-fitting and worn out suit, someone particular about their appearance would rather skip an event staying at home browsing youtube for funny clips. After all, beauty comes from within doesn’t it? Any slightest hint of discomfort or dissatisfaction over how you look will show in the eyes of the beholder. So what if there’s no rental shop offering anything fabulous then acquiring your very own tuxedo may be the one and only way.

The question is whether to buy a not to buy. A tuxedo is typically not something you will be using on a daily basis unless you’re a wedding planer which makes it hard to sell out a third of your salary an outfit that may run the risk of spending most of the time during its lifespan dusting in the wardrobe like a mummy rather than getting makeup smudges from intoxicated classy women leaning their heads on your chest.

Then there is one off occasions in your life that might warrant the purchase of a tux and that might be a gala where you are to be presented with an award or a university graduation prom. The memories and emotional attachment that the tux can become a part of will make the purchase even more meaningful. Just like a wedding dress it will evoke, what will hopefully be, happy recollections of whatever experiences you had dressed handsomely in your tux. Renting a suit for a special deprives you from the opportunity of experiencing history by wearing your attire years down the line trying to reminisce and cherish the past while looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror.

Dress codes at award ceremonies, weddings and formal dinners tend to be very strict, meaning that if “black tuxedo” is stated on the invitation card then that’s what everyone will oblige to. With that being said a Tony Montana styled red tuxedo will most likely not make you appear as a bright individual. Although following dress codes is advisable it doesn’t mean that one has to look arrive to an event looking generic like a circus monkey. There are ways to stand out in an orthodox way and that’s by wearing pieces made out of top quality. Truth be told a well tailored tux of top quality will outshine a rental tux from a million miles distance. Small details like the choice of watch, shoes and cufflinks can make a big difference if one represses the thought that everything has to be black and white. At the end of the day the best accessory is an immaculate dressed date, so if you’re eyeing success then focus more on what they will be wearing.

Alright, enough with the lameness and lets resume to normal English. Worthy applause are Dsquared who seem to have picked up a guide on how to design a fashion collection without treating it like NASCAR racing gear, putting decals everywhere. For once the Canadian super designers have also refrained from their normal habit of trying to cover the entire periodic table by putting together outfits which tend to be an orgy of an excessive number of different materials and colours.

Taking a pause from their usual over-exhausted “street-punk”-theme DS2 has for their SS09 turned to barbershops for inspiration. More sacred than your average hairdresser barbershops are really gentlemen clubs but without the cigars and leather sofas and complimentary whisky. While people are getting their hair cut others just stop by for a chat about sports, ladies, politics. The last group of people who might stop by their local barbershop does so to flaunt their new car parked right outside, cell phone, brand new sneaker or gold chain the thickness of your big toe like the ones seen in the images.

Sadly DS2 have exaggerated the theme with models making poses that are so embarrassing that they can make Lil’Wayne turn his back on Hip Hop and form a band with James Blunt. Luckily the human mind is strong enough to ignore the poses and focus on the clothes which are of a summery character and don’t look heavy unlike various other pieces seen in numerous SS09 collection colored in dark and dull shades. Studying some of the clothes in isolation they aren’t season nor trend specific and can form a good base for a high end wardrobe. They will be very appreciated by DS2 fans who’ve have run out of luck trying to get their hands on neutral DS2 merchandise.

-Visible pubic hear which could be offensive to children and most importantly heterosexual men.

-The Stan Smith rip-offs.

-Ridiculous Looney Toons styled poses.

-The coloured socks don’t fit in.

-Wide pants.

-Tyson Beckford’s right arm entirely covered by tattoos.

+Awesome sunglasses.

+Collection with minimal distortion.

+Young and fresh image.

Grade: 6.9/10 Although some might initially be horrified by DSquared SS09 it is one of their best collections in a long while. Easy on the eyes it consists of many wearable pieces which could be nicely mixed with what people already have at home.